if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
