I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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