I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
