Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
