I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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