I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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