I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
