I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
