I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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