oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
