I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Randomize
