____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
