My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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