Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
