So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
