Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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