I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
