I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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