When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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