i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
