I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
