the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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