I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
