I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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