If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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