How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize