So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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