I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize