I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
