great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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