I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
