you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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