If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
