I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize