there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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