i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
