If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
