so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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