There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
