just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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