I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
