There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
