so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
