I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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