Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
