The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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