I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
