lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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