I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
