I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
