They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
