I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
