Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize