Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
