Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
