I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize