I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize