I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
