still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
